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Something to Brighten your Day




Firming Things Up



One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife,
pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get
rid of your control top panty hose".

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.
The next morning, the man

woke his wife with a pinch on each of
her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could
get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and
grabbed him by his "wackie".
With a death grip in place, she said

"You know, if you firmed
this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man, and your brother."

How To Impress A Woman:

How to impress a man:


* Show up naked ... Bring chicken wings ... Don't block the TV

Black and White


( Under age 40? You won't understand. )

You could hardly see for all the snow,
Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go.
Pull a chair up to the TV set,
"Good Night, David.

Good Night, Chet."
I Love Lucy, The Real McCoys,
Dennis the Menace, the Cleaver boys,
Rawhide, Gunsmoke, Wagon Train,
Superman, Jimmy and Lois Lane.
I wanna go back to black and white.
Everything always turned out right.
Simple people, simple lives...
Good guys always won the fights.

In God they trusted, alone in bed, they slept,
A promise made was a promise kept.
They never cussed or broke their vows.
They'd never make the network now.
I'd trade all the channels on the satellite,
If I could just turn back the clock tonight

Pass this to someone (over age 40, of course)

, and brighten
their day by helping them to remember that life's most simple pleasures are very often the best!


Are You Old Enuf to "Get" These??


Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."



The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.



Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"



I've sure gotten old. I've had two by-pass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia.

Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But..... Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!


A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." "Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?""You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"


God, grant me the senility, to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.



An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.

"Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."




A few things to know about Louisiana:

Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes, and 4,998 live in Louisiana.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Louisiana, plus a couple that nobody has seen before.
Squirrels will eat anything.

Unknown critters love to dig holes under tomato plants.

Raccoons will test your crop of melons and let you know when they are ripe.

If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.
A tractor is NOT an all-terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.
Onced and Twiced are words.

It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.

Fire ants consider your flesh as a picnic.

People actually grow and eat okra.

"Fixinto" is one word.

There ain't no such thing as "lunch." There's "dinner" and then there's "supper."Sweet tea is appropriate for all meals, and you start drinking it when you're two."Backwards and forwards" means, "I know everything about you."
"Jeet?" is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"
You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is.
You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
More about Louisianans....

You know you're from Louisiana if:

You measure distance in minutes.
You've ever had to switch from heat to air conditioning in the same day.
You see a car running in a store parking lot with no one in it no matter
what time of the year.
You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I am fixing to go to the store.
All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable,
grain, insect or animal.
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
You carry jumper cables in your car... for your OWN car.
You only own four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.
The local papers cover national and international news on one page and six pages for local gossip and sports.
You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm."
You know all four seasons: almost summer, summer, still summer, and
Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as "Goin' wal-martin"
or "Off to ' Wally World'."
You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good gumbo weather.
A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example: "What kinna coke you want?"
Fried Catfish is the other white meat.
You understand these and forward them to your friends from Louisiana (and those who just wish they were).


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